Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Presidents as candy.


“During the presidency of Ronald Reagan, Jelly Belly beans were served in the Oval Office and on Air Force One. A holder was designed for the plane so the jar of Jelly Belly beans would not spill during turbulence.” -www.jellybelly.com 

1. George Washington (1789-1797): Hershey Chocolate Bar   
          A classic. It may not be the finest quality of chocolate but, WHAT I DO KNOW IS, THAT IT'S AMERICAN AND IT GETS THE JOB DONE. THAT'S WHAT! 

2. John Adams (1797-1801):  3 Musketeers 
          Is it good. Not really. But it has less sugar right? So it must be good? I don't think this is good. Hey are there anymore left in the bag? 

3. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809): Toblerone    
            Oh look at ME. I'm so foreign and exotic and high-minded. Aren't I just soooooo special. People who like Toblerone only like it so they can feel better than everyone else. Yes, maybe you are smarter, but this chocolate does not make you smarter. 
4. James Madison (1809-1817): Twix 
            It gets the job done.  

5. James Monroe (1817-1825): Goo Goo Cluster     
           The problem is that James Monroe spent his whole life trying to live up to the name of his much hotter sister, Marilyn. 
6. John Quincy Adams (1825-1829): Nerds   
           What kind of guy wants to be just like his dad? A nerd, that's who. 

7. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837): Sour Patch Kids     
          Hurts so good. 

8. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841): Tootsie Roll     
          Isn't it weird to think how in the olden days Tootsie Rolls were about as good as it got for candy. Boy I am glad I didn't live in the olden times. Also the racism and sexism. But mostly Tootsie Rolls      

9. William Henry Harrison (1841): Zero 
          You have to be a real ZERO to die of a cold while in office. And also you murdered Tecumseh. SO HOW DOES IT FEEEEEEEEEEL? TO BE ON YOUR OWWWWWWWWWWWN. 
10. John Tyler (1841-1845): Sugar Daddy 
         Sweet old man or sleazy benefactor, it's all greek to me. 
11. James K. Polk (1845-1849): Chiclets  
12. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850): Circus Peanuts     
          There is a reason I only see these for sale at Ace Hardware. 
13. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853): Hershey’s Cookie n Cream Bar  
          It can't be easy when the only thing separating you from a duck is a vowel. It is even worse when a specific species of duck is better known than you. 
14. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857): Skor    
          I dare you to tell me you have actually had a Skor bar (?). 
15. James Buchanan (1857-1861): Red Hots 
          Obviously this guy loves pain and pleasure equally based on his actions.

16. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865): M&Ms 
         I dare you to NOT put out your damn hands if I offer you some f*cking M&Ms. If you say no, I know you're lying.       

17. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869): S’mores 
        In  theory this should be a delicious candy bar. In theory. 

18. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877): Butterfingers
         At first it's all good. "Yum!" "Peanut butter!" "Civil War Veteran!"  

         But wait. 

          Now it's stuck in my teeth and there's a whole 100 minutes left while I sit with my 4-yr old cousin in a first-run screening of "Chappie" 

19. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881): Jaw Breakers  
        Don't even pretend you like this candy.  
20. James A. Garfield (1881): Ritter Sport (the kind with that cookie in them) 
        If you have not had a Ritter Sport you are doing a disservice to yourself. Yes they cost as much as a month of rent (I live in the slums). But baby, you're worth it. 

21. Chester Arthur (1881-1885): Whatchamacallit     
        Knowing this will help you win trivia. 

22. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889): Starburst 
      There's a reason these are offered for free in STD-testing clinics. 

23. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893): Wax Lips 
       Somewhere, out there, someone really, truly, deeply, loves Wax Lips. If you find them, run. Far. 

24. Grover Cleveland (1893-1897): Milk Duds      
        Both the milk and the president... 
25. William McKinley (1897-1901):   Bit O’Honey 
       You've reached the bottom of your Halloween bag, but I promise you the heartache is not worth it. 

26. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909): Reese’s Cups  
       Salty&sweet, what a naughty TREAT. 

27. William Howard Taft (1909-1913): Candy Corn 
      Probably just poison. But I'll keep shoveling them in until they are gone and all that is left behind is the sickly-sweet taste before they return as vomit. 

28. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921): Krackel    
       The whole time you wish they were anything but themselves. 

29. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923): Oh Henry! 
      "Oh Henry!" is probably what a 1920's housewife proclaimed when learning this dude died. 

30. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929): Charleston Chew 
       A wolf in sheep's clothing, do not trust their exterior.

31. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933): White Chocolate     
      You can't possibly be SO hungry that it's worth eating white chocolate. Unless you're a starving Depression-era orphan 

32. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945): Cadbury Crème Egg      
       It's good, but could be dangerous after 4 terms. 
33. Harry S Truman (1945-1953): Mr.Goodbar    
       I actually just smile and nod a lot when I think about him. 
34. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961): Crunch Bar  
      The extra crunch is provided by the military-industrial complex. 
35. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963): Snickers  
    Snickers are the LAST sound you'd be making when he died. Good candy bar tho. 

36. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969): Milky Way 
     Well, if I must eat something it might as well be... 

37. Richard Nixon (1969-1974): Black Licorice  
     If you like black licorice I don't trust a damn thing you say.  
38. Gerald Ford (1974-1977): 100 Grand 
     Can you believe this candy is still made? 

39. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981): Baby Ruth 
     PEANUTS are good, but would you actually spend money on this?

40. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989): Jelly Beans 


41. George Bush (1989-1993): Werther’s Original   
     I look forward to old age, when I can indulge my deep love of this candy. 
42. Bill Clinton (1993-2001): Pop Rocks       
     Underrated party candy.

43. George W. Bush (2001-2009): Peeps  
     I have a distinct early memory where I threw up from eating approx.400 peeps. 

44. Barack Obama (2009-present): Junior Mints 
     The thinking man's candy.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

If I was the landlord


Man, if I was the landlord, this place would stop being a mess, you know? Things would finally get fixed around here.  

The washer and dryer have been broken for two months now. My clothes are now literally just stiff , dirt drenched cardboard interpretations of what clothes are supposed to be. I had to come up with my own solution. I have hired an army of small children armed with tin buckets and soap and just set them to work on the task at hand. I don’t pay them much, but they know I am an honest boss, who won’t lie. “Son, I just don’t see you getting a raise till I see these stains come out of my ‘Slayer’ tshirt.”

The heating has been on the fritz for ages too. If you want something done around here, sometimes you just have to do it yourself. You collect kindling wood from the house next door by knocking out a few steps off of their porch and you take it home. Lay the wood haphazardly on the floor, sprinkle with your favorite brand of gasoline and set fire to the pile. I like to pour a nice glass of wine and sit by the fire.  

Now that I’m looking around the place, I realize just how much help this apartment needs. Take this sink; it drips slowly all night, driving one into a maddening state of anger and despair at the overwhelming ennui of the human condition. I throw a hammer at the tap, and a larger leak springs. Now rather than a drip, it is a soothing burbling brook. Good thing water is included in my rent.

Oh shit. I haven’t paid rent again! I am so forgetful; this will have to make it the 4th month in a row I’ve forgotten! Haha, can’t trust me to remember anything. Maybe if the landlord sent more obvious reminders! These “final warning” notes tacked up on the front door are in entirely too small of font. 

Some people just don’t know how to take control of a situation. Like the rat problem earlier this year. What others call an infestation-I see as anew opportunity to make friends. Trained the lil’ guys to work for me, just like that Cinderella movie. I mean, they’re not so little, especially with all the nibblin’ on my face at night, but friendship comes in many forms. Maybe I should get them to work with the washer-kids.

But guys like the landlord get all the breaks don’t they? 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

French's Fried Conjuring

French’s French Fried Onions Recipes for the Holidays. 

Green Bean Casserole: 
1 can of Cream of Mushroom ™  Soup
French’s Fried Onions ™  
Can of Green Beans  
One Yellow Onion

1.      Cut up onion on a clean surface, mix onion, green beans and soup in casserole dish. Make sure the mixture is spread evenly in the dish

2.      Bake in 375 degree preheated oven for 45 minutes

3.      Top with French’s Fried Onions

Pro Tip: It’s easy to let your excitement for French’s Fried Onions ™ overwhelm you and cause rash decisions.  Be careful. Do not mutter the incantation that will open a Pandora ’s Box of spirits.

Onion-y Goodness Turkey Stuffing

3 Cups of breadcrumbs, dried overnight 
French’s Spized Herbz ™
2 cups broth
French’s Fried Onions ™    

  1. Preheat oven to 380 degrees, set broth to boil. Mix Breadcrumbs with the Herbz  
  2.  Allow the sweet fragrances of the Herbz ™ to hypnotize you. 
  3. Mix the broth, Herbz ™, and French’s Fried Onions ™. 
  4.  Try to subdue the dark thoughts overtaking you. 
  5.  Place the mixture in the oven.   
  6.  Take out after 45 minutes or when you realize the incantation has worked.  

Grandma’s Salad
French’s Fried Onions ™    
One pound ground pork
Clear gelatin
One yellow onion 
Iceberg Lettuce
French’s Meat Magic ™
  1.  In a saucepan brown ground pork with Meat Magic ™. Make sure to ignore the admonishment’s of your grandmother’s ghost  
  2.   Cut up the onion and add to the pan. 
  3. Shred the lettuce, and throw some behind your left shoulder for good luck against spirits.   
  4.  Prepare gelatin mixture. 
  5. Add contents of pan and mix with lettuce. 
  6.  Add to the gelatin. Close your eyes to lessen the shrieking howls of your grandmother’s spirit. 
  7. Put in fridge for 4 hours. 
  8. Top with French’s Fried Onions ™     
  9. Place the dish in front of your grandmother’s grave 
  10. Run away. Quickly.

Pro Tip: letting your dish cool overnight will ensure it maintains its shape for days! 

Sweet-Potato SASSerole

2 Cans pureed sweet potato
3 Tablespoons brown sugar 
French’s Fried Onions ™     
Tsp Cinnamon
Tsp Nutmeg
Tsp Ginger 
6 sticks butter

1.      Preheat oven to 400
2.      Close door quickly to keep the demons in
3.      In a large mixing bowl, combine spices, sugar and puree.   
4.      Layer the bottom of a casserole dish with the six sticks of butter, side by side, like bodies in a grave.
5.      Pour mixture over the butter.
6.      Bake for 2 hours or until the butter has evaporated, it’s perfume putting you into a deep sleep.
7.      Wake up in time to take out the dish
8.      Once it has cooled, top with French’s Fried Onions ™     

9.      The spell is complete.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Mulaney died so I could watch Mulaney

Scene 1-Digging for life berries: Mulaney enters the stage, a demi-god clothed like a plebian. For you see, Mulaney is one of us. Mulaney sinned, in order that we may live. He owns the stage like a proud billy-goat, eyes darting back and forth across the audience like a nimble mountain steed, scavenging for berries and other-such sustenance. For he forages, digging deeper into the darkest depths of the human psyche, picking the ripest winter berry, holding it up for us to marvel at.

“I don’t want to make any generalizations about women.”

Scene 2- Intro+Credits: We see scenes of New York City. We know it is New York City, because people spend time walking outside of their cars and it’s not to go to the Chipotle in a shopping mall.

We are reminded that this is filmed in front of a live audience. More alive than we will ever be.

Scene 3-Jupiter Descending: Mulaney talks to The Girlfriend on the phone, as if he himself were a woman. But he is a man! The joke is evident. It is a rich and luscious joke, spilling it’s broth over us like a chicken in its final hour of roasting. Black Friend is there to ask questions, because that is what Black Friend does best. He is suave and knowledgeable. Mulaney is loving it. He is soaking up this man’s wisdom like the rag soaks  the gravy fallen on the kitchen table.  The meat has been picked clean from the chicken carcass.

Black Friend has never seen Friends. This is funny because we have all seen it. By we, I mean all the white people watching this show. This man has become a veritable Joey in his folly, though he himself knows not what deep implications this stunning realization means.  The Bitch comes in. Being a bitch, LIKE SHE ALWAYS DO.

In comes The Fool. We know we are meant to laugh, because the people are laughing. Like a hellish roundelay, their chortles and choked chuckles reverberate through every minute of this show, reminding us we are hurtling towards the inevitable punchline. Mulaney hates the Fool, for he can see through his empty half-truths and lies.

Scene 4-Master and Commander: Mulaney tends to the needs of The Gentleplum, a high-born dandy whom he must serve as punishment for our aforementioned sins. Hilarity ensues. Fat Elvis jokes are made. We are reminded of our own mortality and how very close I am to dying every time I eat a ham sandwich on the toilet.

Scene 5-The Sermon: Mulaney returns to the mount to teach us another lesson

Scene 6-Women be shoppin’: Black Friend is now watching Friends. Which is funny, because he is not white. Lest we forgot.

The Girlfriend enters. The Bitch hates her, for she knows The Girlfriend will never respect Mulaney as she does. She is a veritable Mary Magdalene, ever-poised outside the tomb, waiting for the next drop of wisdom to come from Mulaney.  The Girlfriend is merely a false idol.

Sexual tension between The Bitch and Mulaney is set up to create a plot ending for the season finale and ruin the second.  

Scene 7-Once I smoked weed: The Elder Gay Statesman invites Mulaney next door to a sumptuous orgy. Two lesbians greet Mulaney like a Medusa, poised to destruct him. The Elder Gay Statesman is none too pleased with Mulaney, and banishes him to the vomitorium. Mulaney must have weed, because he’s young. I’ll give them that joke. I’ll GIVE THEM THAT. People love pot. They’ll fight for it like roman gladiators, fresh from the vomitorium.

Scene 8-Women be shoppin’ together: Mulaney concocts a plot to get The Bitch and The Girlfriend to like each other. But what he doesn’t know—is women can’t exist if Mulaney isn’t in the room. The Girlfriend makes a Seinfield joke. The spell is broken.

Scene 9-High Tide: Back at The Gentleplum’s abode, jokes happen, and the chortles roar in my ears like high tide. The Girlfriend comes back begging for mercy like a starving dog. She is starved for Mulaney. She craves his power. She knows she has sinned. But Mulaney is having NONE OF IT.

Scene 10-All’s well that ends: The Bitch comes to celebrate Mulaney in all his glory. Let us spend these final scenes celebrating him. She has learned the error of her ways, because she is inherently, always, a bitch. Mulaney leaves us with his final wisdom and all is well.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

You can't be EVERY woman

Dear Ms.Santa-Wood

We applaud your feminist efforts to forego buying razors because they were too expensive, and explaining your armpit hair growth as “rejecting societal norms, man”.

Telling your dad “that’s racist” when he made slanty eyes as you drove past the Chinese Buffet, was truly a game-changer for society. Now, he can see the error of his ways, never to subjugate another peoples again.

Your decision to eat the entire bag of cheddar flavored ruffles, was both subversive and potentially threatening to your heart’s health. But in the fight for gender equality, there are battle wounds and there are battle scars, and you certainly carry yours. In the form of ten extra pounds.  

Overall, you are doing an excellent job. You rank as one of our strongest in terms of disgruntled sighing and fourth best OVERALL when it comes to making excuses for inaction. And that’s a tough category!

Everyone has their problem areas though, and while we try to be as “posi” as possible we are somewhat concerned by how many times you listened to Chris Brown over Christmas of 2009. We also would rather you not say “umm it’s for equality you guys” when you take things from other people, regard less of their gender. Also, we definitely saw you when you were alone in your kitchen singing “I’m every woman” but changing “woman” to “kitten”.

But march on brave suffragette! Never give up the good fight, until you’re tired. Or even if you just need a little nap. Honestly, just try and think of us occasionally. Please?


Gloria Steinem 

photo from:http://faculty.wagner.edu/lori-weintrob/gloria-steinem/

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Scenes from a marriage

The “meet cute”/Beginning: I was rifling through the lingerie sale section at Target when I first found you.  You met all my criteria: 1.Less than $4  2. Not a thong. We were perfect for each other. Go up to the cashier; buy my panties, and a hostess cupcake. Because we are celebrating your entrance into my life.

“The good times”: Because you’re special, I legitimately make an effort to have my bra match. I wear short skirts on windy days without fear because of you. You are the underwear I hope are on if a double decker bus, crashes into us, because to die by your side, the pleasure, the pride, is mine. And also people won’t think I’m an un-hot nerd.

Middle age: You’re looking a little gray these days. Maybe it’s my fault, but look, do you know how much water you waste by separating colors for laundry??? And also the laundry machine costs a $1.50. I don’t know if it’s inflation, but that number seems a little much for the delight of going into a dark basement with a dirt floor, holding my breath to avoid the mold/cat-piss smell, to wash my clothes. So YES. If you’re asking, maybe I didn't wash you properly. But you’re clean, which is more than I can say for myself right now. You’re getting a little stretched out, but only because I sling-shot you across the room to try and hit a cat in the head with them. Think of it as battle wounds.

Old age/This is the end my friend: I’m sorry but we regret to inform you that you've been relegated to Period Panty/I have a head cold and am probably not going to leave the house status. It’s not you, it’s…well actually it is you.