Saturday, October 11, 2014

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

You can't be EVERY woman

Dear Ms.Santa-Wood

We applaud your feminist efforts to forego buying razors because they were too expensive, and explaining your armpit hair growth as “rejecting societal norms, man”.

Telling your dad “that’s racist” when he made slanty eyes as you drove past the Chinese Buffet, was truly a game-changer for society. Now, he can see the error of his ways, never to subjugate another peoples again.

Your decision to eat the entire bag of cheddar flavored ruffles, was both subversive and potentially threatening to your heart’s health. But in the fight for gender equality, there are battle wounds and there are battle scars, and you certainly carry yours. In the form of ten extra pounds.  

Overall, you are doing an excellent job. You rank as one of our strongest in terms of disgruntled sighing and fourth best OVERALL when it comes to making excuses for inaction. And that’s a tough category!

Everyone has their problem areas though, and while we try to be as “posi” as possible we are somewhat concerned by how many times you listened to Chris Brown over Christmas of 2009. We also would rather you not say “umm it’s for equality you guys” when you take things from other people, regard less of their gender. Also, we definitely saw you when you were alone in your kitchen singing “I’m every woman” but changing “woman” to “kitten”.

But march on brave suffragette! Never give up the good fight, until you’re tired. Or even if you just need a little nap. Honestly, just try and think of us occasionally. Please?

Sincerely,

Gloria Steinem 

photo from:http://faculty.wagner.edu/lori-weintrob/gloria-steinem/

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Scenes from a marriage

The “meet cute”/Beginning: I was rifling through the lingerie sale section at Target when I first found you.  You met all my criteria: 1.Less than $4  2. Not a thong. We were perfect for each other. Go up to the cashier; buy my panties, and a hostess cupcake. Because we are celebrating your entrance into my life.

“The good times”: Because you’re special, I legitimately make an effort to have my bra match. I wear short skirts on windy days without fear because of you. You are the underwear I hope are on if a double decker bus, crashes into us, because to die by your side, the pleasure, the pride, is mine. And also people won’t think I’m an un-hot nerd.

Middle age: You’re looking a little gray these days. Maybe it’s my fault, but look, do you know how much water you waste by separating colors for laundry??? And also the laundry machine costs a $1.50. I don’t know if it’s inflation, but that number seems a little much for the delight of going into a dark basement with a dirt floor, holding my breath to avoid the mold/cat-piss smell, to wash my clothes. So YES. If you’re asking, maybe I didn't wash you properly. But you’re clean, which is more than I can say for myself right now. You’re getting a little stretched out, but only because I sling-shot you across the room to try and hit a cat in the head with them. Think of it as battle wounds.


Old age/This is the end my friend: I’m sorry but we regret to inform you that you've been relegated to Period Panty/I have a head cold and am probably not going to leave the house status. It’s not you, it’s…well actually it is you.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Deal or no deal

The foreign man in the middle of my bedroom is sweating profusely, a few drops making it to the floor. He told me his name is “Arthur”, and he is building a bed for me in my empty apartment. Arthur is a middle-aged Asian man with a fairly strong accent. He is dressed for work, it  is 8 am on a Tuesday and he brought a futon he advertised on Craigslist. It feels entirely strange having him in my room, sweating, trying to put together a piece of furniture that was once his and that I will permanently be sleeping on.  I ask him who to write out a check to--- he tells me to make it out to “Li Chen”. He goes off to work. I delete “Arthur-craigslist” from my phone. 

Craigslist is a graveyard of happy moments past. Missed connections are the most obvious manifestation of this. Sharing a moment with someone and sending out a symbolic message in a bottle, trying to retrieve that feeling. But missed connections don’t really affect me. There’s a level of non-commitment or creepy stalker aspect that just doesn’t do it for me.   

But I love the “for sale” section. Or even better “free”. Looking for a FREE place to dump dirt? A FREE pile of cardboard boxes? A FREE bird? It’s all there, waiting for you, you just have to take it.  Most people in the free section are moving, just moved or getting evicted. There’s desperation in many of the posts, especially when it comes to animals or large furniture pieces. The abrupt exclamation filled descriptions always feel like someone is trying to say “I made a mistake, now get it away from me.” Sometimes it’s a thing you’d think nobody would want, that is made even worse by being made unappealing as possible. “Piano—keys broken.” “Hot tub, jets/heating don’t work.” Haven’t you always wanted a very large outdoor bathtub? A terrible sounding piano?   One man’s trash is another man’s…trash. 

I’ve just moved to Richmond and am still grasping for my place. It’s the 6th time I've moved in the last two years. Trolling the for-sale section on Craigslist has become a new ritual. Habits make a place for me, my things make the place for me. But right now I am surrounded by very little in my studio apartment. Each move I leave a lot behind. I don’t have the patience to sell things on Craigslist. I tend to give my things away or drop it off at a goodwill. I always hold onto the idea that wherever I am moving next has got to be better than whatever funk I've fallen into.  

People selling on Craigslist honestly believe that what they have is worth something. Even when they post it under “free” they want people to know that something valuable is available. For the most part, I think we all just like having things. People on Craigslist fall in a slightly different category. Like them, I am obsessed with the ideal of a good deal. I get a physical high when I buy something at a thrift store that I know is worth far more. I gloat about it, with a mental list of my “greatest hits” etched in my mind. I’m not satisfied until I know I have the best deal. Last week I audibly gasped when I found a whole chicken for three dollars. Never mind the quality. Never mind that I don’t really need a whole chicken. It’s a deal, so I take it. And god forbid if I find another deal, better, after a purchase. I obsess over the money I could have saved. Money saved means something amazing can happen with that $2 you’ve pocketed. It is believing good things are coming. I wonder what I will do with my new-found riches. Probably just buy more junk I’ll leave behind when I inevitably move again.    


I hate to admit it, but I know I am one of that Craigslist tribe. I am not on the outside looking in. I am the one dragging a chewed up coffee table ten blocks back to my apartment. I’m the one who just grabbed ten copies of Cat Fancy from 1982 out of the trash. I shouldn't let that veritable goldmine get away from me. I've got memories to make. 

Monday, July 28, 2014

People say I'm the hottest bachelor

According to People Magazine (aka what I actually subscribe to even though I tell everyone I get the Sunday Times. So I have to lie and nod a lot when people ask if I read that article about artisan petroleum jelly) these are the hottest bachelors. I didn't know "bachelors" were still a thing, but it's good news for me because that must mean "lonely spinster" is still a respectable profession. So ladies n gentleplums, here is the best of what the world has to offer in the XY department (but if you're looking for the XXXL department feel free to join me as I go shopping this weekend).

1.Joe Manganiello
 
This guy is actually a piece of pasta. Don't believe me? Say Manganiello verrrrry slowly in a dark room to yourself. Still don't believe me? We'll see who has the last laugh. We. Shall. See.  

2.Jared Leto 
"Hey ombre!" that's what I would say to Jared Leto if I saw him. Cuz his hair is different colors. I wonder if he genuinely thinks 30 Seconds to Mars makes good music. I mean I am sure he does, but I bet sometimes late at night he actually doubts himself and listens to Phillip Glass and thinks about killing himself maybe. I feel like this guy makes his own Kombucha. And that ladies, makes him a very eligible bachelor indeed. That stuff is like $4 a bottle! I could literally buy 4 chicken sandwiches for one bottle. 

3.Sam Smith 

I saw this guy perform on SNL and I have no memory of it. And I wasn't even drunk. I feel like, based solely on his looks that his music has a lot of "shooby dooby doos". I am probably projecting though. I just really miss shoobys in music. Like what meeting did I miss where we decided to exile shooby? #shoobyforever #doobiebrothersdiesforyoursins

4.Ian Somerhalder
 
Was this guy in 90210? Or was that a fever dream I had? 

5.Usher 
I went to see the most recent Muppets movie at the dollar theater because I'm five and also I'm ten and also I am fifty. Anyways they made a joke about Usher being an usher at a wedding and I turned to my boyfriend and said in my "outdoor voice" "I have been waiting literally years to make that joke and they STOLE it from me!" And after that incident I'm probably the most eligible bachelor too. 

6.Ricky Martin 
I will be the first to admit that I religiously listened to Ricky Martin in elementary school and I am a better man for it. 

7.Liam Hemsworth 
I would be hesitant to say the Hemsworth brothers are talented but I would not be hesitant to say they look very similar to each other. 

8. Steven R. McQueen 
 
I know actually nothing about this man but I just feel so bad that he has a name that is so uncool when it has the potential to be the coolest. But his eyebrows are really on point  and his teeth seem wonderful. 


9.Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss 

I actually thought I must be on a fake People website when I saw these guys on the list. WHY? I mean I guess they had a "moment" but there are so many other people having "moments". Like the moment I had today when I whistled all of "Under My Thumb" and danced in front of my mirror alone after work. Also these guys look like everyone I hate in DC. The kind of people who say they love camping but have actually never been outside in their lives. Not even to walk down the street. 

10.Prince Harry 
I actually watched several episodes of I wanna marry Harry.  

All photos from people.com

Thursday, June 19, 2014

THE SHRUGGLE IS REAL

Lord oh lord it's been a while. Normally when I haven't written it's because I have massive writers block but lately I have been insanely busy:

 a)trying to find a job so I can continue to have the necessary funds to bid on California Raisins memorabilia while slightly drunk on a Saturday night alone

b)Working with this awful rich racist white lady who now runs our board. As enjoyable as being told that our website is "too frou-frou" (read:GAY), it's really demoralizing.

So please send me good vibes so I can find a new job I at least can tolerate an in return I will bless you with more of my bargain-bin New Girl-esque jokes.

XOXO

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

LOL SMILEY FACE



I am absolutely disastrous when it comes to 98% of relationships, flirting, and general romance shenanigans. But if I know one thing, I know how to do a very good text. I’m great at texting because I’m the kind of person who three days after a confrontation will think of a really good comeback in the shower alone. And feel very self-satisfied for the rest of the day. This makes me designed to text. I’m born with an inherent lag. So these tips are designed not really to “get” someone into you, but basically charm them into seeing you in person so you can wear 50 layers of makeup and maybe trick them into kissing you (with tongue if you’re #blessed).
·       
  Don’t ever have your first text to someone be “what’s up”. This is the kiss of death to a new friendship/relationship. If you really want to know “what’s up”, I’ll tell you the truth. I am sitting in my Nutella-stained oversized Colorado Science Fair t-shirt watching videos of babies dance to Beyonce. And no I’m not going to tell you that because I want you to think I am cool and hot. So I will say something lame like “oh nothing, just washing my face with the blood of sacrificed virgins, you??” You have to give the person something to work with. Otherwise they don’t know how to respond.


Appreciate the work that went into the text you receive. And don’t ever just respond with “lol” or “haha” HAHA FUCKER? HA? HA? Yeah god-damn right haha because I just served you the motherfucking Dorothy Parker of Fuckin texts and your response is HAHA. Okay. Just go die already.


One word answers. When I get one word replies I freak out and start reevaluating whether I should pursue this person (romantically or friend-wise). Maybe they’re so stupid they only know one-syllable words. Maybe our first born child won’t get into the right preschool because their IQ is so low from your dumb genes. How the hell is Beatrice Jr. going to get in Princeton now?  

  
Don’t bust out the emoticons. Until at least 3 days. I use to truly hate emoticons because I thought they were a shallow representation of human emotion. But then I taught ESL and realized my students thought I was always angry because I didn’t end every sentence with a smiley-face. So emoticons can be helpful for breaking tension.  
 “I’m pregnant.”
“¯\_()_/¯”    

Tell me something I don’t know. It’s sunny? Gee I had no idea (actually I didn’t. I was binge-watching episodes of Antiques Roadshow and refreshing twitter for two hours). I advise most people to pick an interesting topic to start a conversation. I’d love to hear all about the research you’ve done on Victorian words for STDs.
         
There are no rules. Do you wanna text someone the day after the first date? Go for it. Who cares. If they don’t respond, you’ll find out sooner rather than later that they’re not into you or don’t know how to use a QWERTY keyboard. 
     
If you’re busy, let the person know. A casual “hey I’m super swamped but I’d love to talk again soon” is a good way to prevent someone committing hari-kari over the anxiety of wondering why you didn’t respond. Unless you genuinely are still really struggling with the QWERTY keyboard.
    
But then again, you know, whatevs dude. You don’t “owe” anyone a text. This is advice I should adhere to more often. Many a time have I either a) texted someone when I really don’t like them or b)lost my mind trying to illicit a response from someone. I guess I’m not COOL.      

      No unsolicited dick pics. But I am very open to someone sending me celebrity dick pics so we can laugh at them together. Just warn me so I can tell my priest to stop reading over my shoulder. Look up “Tony Danza naked”. You will not be disappointed.  
        
You could call someone. Haha just kidding talking is for losers.     

      These rules are basically bullshit. You do you.