Wednesday, November 26, 2014

French's Fried Conjuring

French’s French Fried Onions Recipes for the Holidays. 

Green Bean Casserole: 
1 can of Cream of Mushroom ™  Soup
French’s Fried Onions ™  
Can of Green Beans  
One Yellow Onion

1.      Cut up onion on a clean surface, mix onion, green beans and soup in casserole dish. Make sure the mixture is spread evenly in the dish

2.      Bake in 375 degree preheated oven for 45 minutes

3.      Top with French’s Fried Onions

Pro Tip: It’s easy to let your excitement for French’s Fried Onions ™ overwhelm you and cause rash decisions.  Be careful. Do not mutter the incantation that will open a Pandora ’s Box of spirits.

Onion-y Goodness Turkey Stuffing

3 Cups of breadcrumbs, dried overnight 
French’s Spized Herbz ™
2 cups broth
French’s Fried Onions ™    

  1. Preheat oven to 380 degrees, set broth to boil. Mix Breadcrumbs with the Herbz  
  2.  Allow the sweet fragrances of the Herbz ™ to hypnotize you. 
  3. Mix the broth, Herbz ™, and French’s Fried Onions ™. 
  4.  Try to subdue the dark thoughts overtaking you. 
  5.  Place the mixture in the oven.   
  6.  Take out after 45 minutes or when you realize the incantation has worked.  

Grandma’s Salad
French’s Fried Onions ™    
One pound ground pork
Clear gelatin
One yellow onion 
Iceberg Lettuce
French’s Meat Magic ™
  1.  In a saucepan brown ground pork with Meat Magic ™. Make sure to ignore the admonishment’s of your grandmother’s ghost  
  2.   Cut up the onion and add to the pan. 
  3. Shred the lettuce, and throw some behind your left shoulder for good luck against spirits.   
  4.  Prepare gelatin mixture. 
  5. Add contents of pan and mix with lettuce. 
  6.  Add to the gelatin. Close your eyes to lessen the shrieking howls of your grandmother’s spirit. 
  7. Put in fridge for 4 hours. 
  8. Top with French’s Fried Onions ™     
  9. Place the dish in front of your grandmother’s grave 
  10. Run away. Quickly.

Pro Tip: letting your dish cool overnight will ensure it maintains its shape for days! 

Sweet-Potato SASSerole

2 Cans pureed sweet potato
3 Tablespoons brown sugar 
French’s Fried Onions ™     
Tsp Cinnamon
Tsp Nutmeg
Tsp Ginger 
6 sticks butter

1.      Preheat oven to 400
2.      Close door quickly to keep the demons in
3.      In a large mixing bowl, combine spices, sugar and puree.   
4.      Layer the bottom of a casserole dish with the six sticks of butter, side by side, like bodies in a grave.
5.      Pour mixture over the butter.
6.      Bake for 2 hours or until the butter has evaporated, it’s perfume putting you into a deep sleep.
7.      Wake up in time to take out the dish
8.      Once it has cooled, top with French’s Fried Onions ™     

9.      The spell is complete.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Mulaney died so I could watch Mulaney

Scene 1-Digging for life berries: Mulaney enters the stage, a demi-god clothed like a plebian. For you see, Mulaney is one of us. Mulaney sinned, in order that we may live. He owns the stage like a proud billy-goat, eyes darting back and forth across the audience like a nimble mountain steed, scavenging for berries and other-such sustenance. For he forages, digging deeper into the darkest depths of the human psyche, picking the ripest winter berry, holding it up for us to marvel at.

“I don’t want to make any generalizations about women.”

Scene 2- Intro+Credits: We see scenes of New York City. We know it is New York City, because people spend time walking outside of their cars and it’s not to go to the Chipotle in a shopping mall.

We are reminded that this is filmed in front of a live audience. More alive than we will ever be.

Scene 3-Jupiter Descending: Mulaney talks to The Girlfriend on the phone, as if he himself were a woman. But he is a man! The joke is evident. It is a rich and luscious joke, spilling it’s broth over us like a chicken in its final hour of roasting. Black Friend is there to ask questions, because that is what Black Friend does best. He is suave and knowledgeable. Mulaney is loving it. He is soaking up this man’s wisdom like the rag soaks  the gravy fallen on the kitchen table.  The meat has been picked clean from the chicken carcass.

Black Friend has never seen Friends. This is funny because we have all seen it. By we, I mean all the white people watching this show. This man has become a veritable Joey in his folly, though he himself knows not what deep implications this stunning realization means.  The Bitch comes in. Being a bitch, LIKE SHE ALWAYS DO.

In comes The Fool. We know we are meant to laugh, because the people are laughing. Like a hellish roundelay, their chortles and choked chuckles reverberate through every minute of this show, reminding us we are hurtling towards the inevitable punchline. Mulaney hates the Fool, for he can see through his empty half-truths and lies.

Scene 4-Master and Commander: Mulaney tends to the needs of The Gentleplum, a high-born dandy whom he must serve as punishment for our aforementioned sins. Hilarity ensues. Fat Elvis jokes are made. We are reminded of our own mortality and how very close I am to dying every time I eat a ham sandwich on the toilet.

Scene 5-The Sermon: Mulaney returns to the mount to teach us another lesson

Scene 6-Women be shoppin’: Black Friend is now watching Friends. Which is funny, because he is not white. Lest we forgot.

The Girlfriend enters. The Bitch hates her, for she knows The Girlfriend will never respect Mulaney as she does. She is a veritable Mary Magdalene, ever-poised outside the tomb, waiting for the next drop of wisdom to come from Mulaney.  The Girlfriend is merely a false idol.

Sexual tension between The Bitch and Mulaney is set up to create a plot ending for the season finale and ruin the second.  

Scene 7-Once I smoked weed: The Elder Gay Statesman invites Mulaney next door to a sumptuous orgy. Two lesbians greet Mulaney like a Medusa, poised to destruct him. The Elder Gay Statesman is none too pleased with Mulaney, and banishes him to the vomitorium. Mulaney must have weed, because he’s young. I’ll give them that joke. I’ll GIVE THEM THAT. People love pot. They’ll fight for it like roman gladiators, fresh from the vomitorium.

Scene 8-Women be shoppin’ together: Mulaney concocts a plot to get The Bitch and The Girlfriend to like each other. But what he doesn’t know—is women can’t exist if Mulaney isn’t in the room. The Girlfriend makes a Seinfield joke. The spell is broken.

Scene 9-High Tide: Back at The Gentleplum’s abode, jokes happen, and the chortles roar in my ears like high tide. The Girlfriend comes back begging for mercy like a starving dog. She is starved for Mulaney. She craves his power. She knows she has sinned. But Mulaney is having NONE OF IT.

Scene 10-All’s well that ends: The Bitch comes to celebrate Mulaney in all his glory. Let us spend these final scenes celebrating him. She has learned the error of her ways, because she is inherently, always, a bitch. Mulaney leaves us with his final wisdom and all is well.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

You can't be EVERY woman

Dear Ms.Santa-Wood

We applaud your feminist efforts to forego buying razors because they were too expensive, and explaining your armpit hair growth as “rejecting societal norms, man”.

Telling your dad “that’s racist” when he made slanty eyes as you drove past the Chinese Buffet, was truly a game-changer for society. Now, he can see the error of his ways, never to subjugate another peoples again.

Your decision to eat the entire bag of cheddar flavored ruffles, was both subversive and potentially threatening to your heart’s health. But in the fight for gender equality, there are battle wounds and there are battle scars, and you certainly carry yours. In the form of ten extra pounds.  

Overall, you are doing an excellent job. You rank as one of our strongest in terms of disgruntled sighing and fourth best OVERALL when it comes to making excuses for inaction. And that’s a tough category!

Everyone has their problem areas though, and while we try to be as “posi” as possible we are somewhat concerned by how many times you listened to Chris Brown over Christmas of 2009. We also would rather you not say “umm it’s for equality you guys” when you take things from other people, regard less of their gender. Also, we definitely saw you when you were alone in your kitchen singing “I’m every woman” but changing “woman” to “kitten”.

But march on brave suffragette! Never give up the good fight, until you’re tired. Or even if you just need a little nap. Honestly, just try and think of us occasionally. Please?


Gloria Steinem 

photo from:

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Scenes from a marriage

The “meet cute”/Beginning: I was rifling through the lingerie sale section at Target when I first found you.  You met all my criteria: 1.Less than $4  2. Not a thong. We were perfect for each other. Go up to the cashier; buy my panties, and a hostess cupcake. Because we are celebrating your entrance into my life.

“The good times”: Because you’re special, I legitimately make an effort to have my bra match. I wear short skirts on windy days without fear because of you. You are the underwear I hope are on if a double decker bus, crashes into us, because to die by your side, the pleasure, the pride, is mine. And also people won’t think I’m an un-hot nerd.

Middle age: You’re looking a little gray these days. Maybe it’s my fault, but look, do you know how much water you waste by separating colors for laundry??? And also the laundry machine costs a $1.50. I don’t know if it’s inflation, but that number seems a little much for the delight of going into a dark basement with a dirt floor, holding my breath to avoid the mold/cat-piss smell, to wash my clothes. So YES. If you’re asking, maybe I didn't wash you properly. But you’re clean, which is more than I can say for myself right now. You’re getting a little stretched out, but only because I sling-shot you across the room to try and hit a cat in the head with them. Think of it as battle wounds.

Old age/This is the end my friend: I’m sorry but we regret to inform you that you've been relegated to Period Panty/I have a head cold and am probably not going to leave the house status. It’s not you, it’s…well actually it is you.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Deal or no deal

The foreign man in the middle of my bedroom is sweating profusely, a few drops making it to the floor. He told me his name is “Arthur”, and he is building a bed for me in my empty apartment. Arthur is a middle-aged Asian man with a fairly strong accent. He is dressed for work, it  is 8 am on a Tuesday and he brought a futon he advertised on Craigslist. It feels entirely strange having him in my room, sweating, trying to put together a piece of furniture that was once his and that I will permanently be sleeping on.  I ask him who to write out a check to--- he tells me to make it out to “Li Chen”. He goes off to work. I delete “Arthur-craigslist” from my phone. 

Craigslist is a graveyard of happy moments past. Missed connections are the most obvious manifestation of this. Sharing a moment with someone and sending out a symbolic message in a bottle, trying to retrieve that feeling. But missed connections don’t really affect me. There’s a level of non-commitment or creepy stalker aspect that just doesn’t do it for me.   

But I love the “for sale” section. Or even better “free”. Looking for a FREE place to dump dirt? A FREE pile of cardboard boxes? A FREE bird? It’s all there, waiting for you, you just have to take it.  Most people in the free section are moving, just moved or getting evicted. There’s desperation in many of the posts, especially when it comes to animals or large furniture pieces. The abrupt exclamation filled descriptions always feel like someone is trying to say “I made a mistake, now get it away from me.” Sometimes it’s a thing you’d think nobody would want, that is made even worse by being made unappealing as possible. “Piano—keys broken.” “Hot tub, jets/heating don’t work.” Haven’t you always wanted a very large outdoor bathtub? A terrible sounding piano?   One man’s trash is another man’s…trash. 

I’ve just moved to Richmond and am still grasping for my place. It’s the 6th time I've moved in the last two years. Trolling the for-sale section on Craigslist has become a new ritual. Habits make a place for me, my things make the place for me. But right now I am surrounded by very little in my studio apartment. Each move I leave a lot behind. I don’t have the patience to sell things on Craigslist. I tend to give my things away or drop it off at a goodwill. I always hold onto the idea that wherever I am moving next has got to be better than whatever funk I've fallen into.  

People selling on Craigslist honestly believe that what they have is worth something. Even when they post it under “free” they want people to know that something valuable is available. For the most part, I think we all just like having things. People on Craigslist fall in a slightly different category. Like them, I am obsessed with the ideal of a good deal. I get a physical high when I buy something at a thrift store that I know is worth far more. I gloat about it, with a mental list of my “greatest hits” etched in my mind. I’m not satisfied until I know I have the best deal. Last week I audibly gasped when I found a whole chicken for three dollars. Never mind the quality. Never mind that I don’t really need a whole chicken. It’s a deal, so I take it. And god forbid if I find another deal, better, after a purchase. I obsess over the money I could have saved. Money saved means something amazing can happen with that $2 you’ve pocketed. It is believing good things are coming. I wonder what I will do with my new-found riches. Probably just buy more junk I’ll leave behind when I inevitably move again.    

I hate to admit it, but I know I am one of that Craigslist tribe. I am not on the outside looking in. I am the one dragging a chewed up coffee table ten blocks back to my apartment. I’m the one who just grabbed ten copies of Cat Fancy from 1982 out of the trash. I shouldn't let that veritable goldmine get away from me. I've got memories to make. 

Monday, July 28, 2014

People say I'm the hottest bachelor

According to People Magazine (aka what I actually subscribe to even though I tell everyone I get the Sunday Times. So I have to lie and nod a lot when people ask if I read that article about artisan petroleum jelly) these are the hottest bachelors. I didn't know "bachelors" were still a thing, but it's good news for me because that must mean "lonely spinster" is still a respectable profession. So ladies n gentleplums, here is the best of what the world has to offer in the XY department (but if you're looking for the XXXL department feel free to join me as I go shopping this weekend).

1.Joe Manganiello
This guy is actually a piece of pasta. Don't believe me? Say Manganiello verrrrry slowly in a dark room to yourself. Still don't believe me? We'll see who has the last laugh. We. Shall. See.  

2.Jared Leto 
"Hey ombre!" that's what I would say to Jared Leto if I saw him. Cuz his hair is different colors. I wonder if he genuinely thinks 30 Seconds to Mars makes good music. I mean I am sure he does, but I bet sometimes late at night he actually doubts himself and listens to Phillip Glass and thinks about killing himself maybe. I feel like this guy makes his own Kombucha. And that ladies, makes him a very eligible bachelor indeed. That stuff is like $4 a bottle! I could literally buy 4 chicken sandwiches for one bottle. 

3.Sam Smith 

I saw this guy perform on SNL and I have no memory of it. And I wasn't even drunk. I feel like, based solely on his looks that his music has a lot of "shooby dooby doos". I am probably projecting though. I just really miss shoobys in music. Like what meeting did I miss where we decided to exile shooby? #shoobyforever #doobiebrothersdiesforyoursins

4.Ian Somerhalder
Was this guy in 90210? Or was that a fever dream I had? 

I went to see the most recent Muppets movie at the dollar theater because I'm five and also I'm ten and also I am fifty. Anyways they made a joke about Usher being an usher at a wedding and I turned to my boyfriend and said in my "outdoor voice" "I have been waiting literally years to make that joke and they STOLE it from me!" And after that incident I'm probably the most eligible bachelor too. 

6.Ricky Martin 
I will be the first to admit that I religiously listened to Ricky Martin in elementary school and I am a better man for it. 

7.Liam Hemsworth 
I would be hesitant to say the Hemsworth brothers are talented but I would not be hesitant to say they look very similar to each other. 

8. Steven R. McQueen 
I know actually nothing about this man but I just feel so bad that he has a name that is so uncool when it has the potential to be the coolest. But his eyebrows are really on point  and his teeth seem wonderful. 

9.Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss 

I actually thought I must be on a fake People website when I saw these guys on the list. WHY? I mean I guess they had a "moment" but there are so many other people having "moments". Like the moment I had today when I whistled all of "Under My Thumb" and danced in front of my mirror alone after work. Also these guys look like everyone I hate in DC. The kind of people who say they love camping but have actually never been outside in their lives. Not even to walk down the street. 

10.Prince Harry 
I actually watched several episodes of I wanna marry Harry.  

All photos from